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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Unbalanced

Published by Unknown at 4:32 PM

This week is shaping up to be a troubled one. I’ve been trying to get myself organized and its taking much longer than I expected but I’m going to stay optimistic. I am starting to peel on my left hand shoulder because of my diabetes medicine; I’m not sure how I’m going to manage going to the zoo or any of the hanging out by the pool with my daughter this summer. We used to just go out there for hours at a time but I’m going to have to limit my exposure to the sun and invest in some sunscreen. I’m a bit tired because I’ve been getting wee amounts of sleep and last night I just crashed on my dining room floor and slept for a bit.

I think that I’m just off balance. I will not listen to Mr. Bobblehead’s recommendations that I don’t need to take my meds, the fact that I was acting all kinds of wonky proves that I should listen to myself and not give a darn what others say. So now I’m starting to feel much more level headed and I made significant process in getting myself back on track. However, I may have to check in at the hospital the week after next because my blood sugar isn’t really going down faster enough, I think I need to get a monitor so I can start figuring out my diet and I’ve been getting more exercise. But it isn’t enough. I’m hoping I can get things under control, I fear that I’ll end up like some of my relatives who didn’t take care of themselves. I’m trying to be optimistic and change my mindset to see the things that are occurring as a blessing and not as a curse. I think that in time I can make it, I just have to keep fighting to regain my sense of balance.

I admit I did mess up, I was doing so well with being single and accepting that if in this lifetime if I never got married I could be happy being as I am. Then along came this guy who I never would have expected that I could have had an amazing connection, and I was shocked because he was the last person on earth I would have tried to holla at. So time goes on and I’m really digging him, and then he pulls back. So I’m stunned and instead of letting go, I try harder. It backfires and I discover that he had a girlfriend, which hurts even more because he plays mind games and tries to blame things all on me. But, if you are the one with a girlfriend, and you give me the impression that you are single, aren’t you misrepresenting yourself? And if you are then I catch you lying and get mad because we could have had a wonderful platonic friendship and much of the drama that went down could have been prevented because I wouldn’t have tried to think like that knowing that you are someone’s man. So now I really dislike him and I wonder if this friendship can be repaired because I feel betrayed and I would love to kick him in the nuts or call up my crazy cousins that owe me favors.

But, if I did that then I’d be yielding to the flesh, and that is what got me in trouble in the first place. I’m coping with losing him and I ran into a lady that was a Prophetess in the Wal-Mart parking lot. She came up to me and said that I was bound by the spirit of lust and that she could pray for me. Now, I’m picky about who I let pray over me because I know that some folks aren’t right and you can get their demonic influences if they lay hands on you and she said some things that really convinced me. So I let her pray for me, and strangely some of the feelings and things that I had been struggling with dropped off me like dead weight. I’m thankful that God saw fit for me to interact with this person and that I can get back to being focused again and stay in the shadows. I know that it seems weird that in a parking lot a stranger can walk up to you. I think that its awesome but also I’m scared about where I’m starting to go. I love that I’m changing yet I’m afraid of being successful which is crazy because I do have some successes in my life, but I still have fears about becoming whole in him and I just pray that things will change and I can be confident in him at some point in my life.

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