Back On Track

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-- Albert Einstein

Recent events in my life have made me realize that my biggest hindrance to growing and making progress is myself. Einstein’s quote perfectly describes the state of chaos that has become the bane of my existence because I’ve been stuck in a rut of doing the same thing over and over, while expecting my situation to change. I’m thankful that I can realize that I’ve become nothing more than a human hamster stuck in a perpetual wheel of my own creation. I set goals to achieve more, and be more but I keep applying the same outdated methods that really are not relative to the results I desire. I know that I can’t be alone in where I am and I do desire to get out of this. And although the process of change isn’t easy, it is possible if one is determined to realize that you are just funding insanity with your actions.

My first step that I need to take is to assess where I am right now and this moment and accept where I am in a true and honest way. I know I didn’t fall in to chaos overnight, and I can’t get out in one day but I can make progress if I take it one step at a time; also I need to get back on the GTD bandwagon, because it really works for me if I’d let it. Secondly, I need to take some time out and get reorganized because I’ve been busy but my busyness has been more of quantity and not that of quality. For example, I have a bunch of projects that are just in states of limbo and these projects could have been completed but due to my state of exhaustion from dealing with the wrong (issues and people) I have sabotaged my chances for success. Often we spend time trying to help and please people that are nothing more than energy vampires that suck our time, love and resources to the fullest and leave us broken; right now off the top of my hand I have 3 people in my life that are in that category but I have yet to get bold and cut them out like they need to be. Then on the other hand I have some great people in my life that I end up not being able to appreciate or spend time with because that small minority is just running me ragged. It is time for this to just stop period because they don’t add any value to my life, they just take it away.

Yesterday my Dad spoke on the subject of what would your friends do for you from Mark 2:1-4, and I realized that he had an excellent point about we are whom we surround ourselves with. I realize that amongst all of the people I know, there are some true gems in my life. Often I let myself get so caught up in I need to do this and that and this by myself that I wear myself down and put up walls to shut out the people that genuinely care about me. Being in isolation can be a very dangerous place, when you get too isolated you can risk developing depression, or you can end up thinking that you don’t need anyone else to help you. I admit that it’s not a pretty place because you really lose your perspective on yourself and your perception of the relationships in your life can become twisted, not to mention the fact that you can be paranoid/anxious/sad. We need more people in our lives that can contribute to our betterment; we deserve to have friendships with ourselves that help us to be authentic and our best selves rather and inspire us to grow.

Gina & The Very, Very Bad Day!

Today is not a good day for me. I am with sore throat and fever while still waiting to get my money back in my bank account after someone hacked my PayPal account and I just found out that my teacher gave me 0/200 points because he said my file wasn’t valid and I’ve downloaded the file several times prior to turning in my project and its still sitting there in my server after I pasted the link that he claims isn’t working. Therefore I am not a happy camper and need some serious hugs because this is not a fabulous day for me.

I wish that my employer would have not spent millions on raggedy, inefficient sorting equipment that goes slower than what it takes for actual humans to do the job and instead would have invested that money in something like an automated computer reservation system that would make all of these annoying phone calls disappear. The 20% of people that make reservations give me 80% of my daily drama, because they do dumb things like say some foolish mess full of swear words or they sound as if they are mentally slow, drunk, stupid or high as a kite.

I keep hearing that the Lord only gives you what you can bear, but this I’m starting to grow weary of talking to the same person over and over and I’m in this rut and feel as if I’m going to snap and be on the 11 pm news. Sometimes I wonder if hell is just actually located here on Earth and the daily annoyances is just the way it functions. I think I’m just burned out; my days are so similar that I really can’t tell one day from another day anymore. Monday is just like Tuesday which was just like Wednesday/Thursday and the only day that actually might have some unique flavor is Friday. I think about taking a risk and just trying to add some excitement but so far it’s not working. I just read an article at http://www.rockyourday.com/standards/ about standards and I guess I need to try to raise them or else I’m going to keep being in this hell-hole of a life.

Unbalanced

This week is shaping up to be a troubled one. I’ve been trying to get myself organized and its taking much longer than I expected but I’m going to stay optimistic. I am starting to peel on my left hand shoulder because of my diabetes medicine; I’m not sure how I’m going to manage going to the zoo or any of the hanging out by the pool with my daughter this summer. We used to just go out there for hours at a time but I’m going to have to limit my exposure to the sun and invest in some sunscreen. I’m a bit tired because I’ve been getting wee amounts of sleep and last night I just crashed on my dining room floor and slept for a bit.

I think that I’m just off balance. I will not listen to Mr. Bobblehead’s recommendations that I don’t need to take my meds, the fact that I was acting all kinds of wonky proves that I should listen to myself and not give a darn what others say. So now I’m starting to feel much more level headed and I made significant process in getting myself back on track. However, I may have to check in at the hospital the week after next because my blood sugar isn’t really going down faster enough, I think I need to get a monitor so I can start figuring out my diet and I’ve been getting more exercise. But it isn’t enough. I’m hoping I can get things under control, I fear that I’ll end up like some of my relatives who didn’t take care of themselves. I’m trying to be optimistic and change my mindset to see the things that are occurring as a blessing and not as a curse. I think that in time I can make it, I just have to keep fighting to regain my sense of balance.

I admit I did mess up, I was doing so well with being single and accepting that if in this lifetime if I never got married I could be happy being as I am. Then along came this guy who I never would have expected that I could have had an amazing connection, and I was shocked because he was the last person on earth I would have tried to holla at. So time goes on and I’m really digging him, and then he pulls back. So I’m stunned and instead of letting go, I try harder. It backfires and I discover that he had a girlfriend, which hurts even more because he plays mind games and tries to blame things all on me. But, if you are the one with a girlfriend, and you give me the impression that you are single, aren’t you misrepresenting yourself? And if you are then I catch you lying and get mad because we could have had a wonderful platonic friendship and much of the drama that went down could have been prevented because I wouldn’t have tried to think like that knowing that you are someone’s man. So now I really dislike him and I wonder if this friendship can be repaired because I feel betrayed and I would love to kick him in the nuts or call up my crazy cousins that owe me favors.

But, if I did that then I’d be yielding to the flesh, and that is what got me in trouble in the first place. I’m coping with losing him and I ran into a lady that was a Prophetess in the Wal-Mart parking lot. She came up to me and said that I was bound by the spirit of lust and that she could pray for me. Now, I’m picky about who I let pray over me because I know that some folks aren’t right and you can get their demonic influences if they lay hands on you and she said some things that really convinced me. So I let her pray for me, and strangely some of the feelings and things that I had been struggling with dropped off me like dead weight. I’m thankful that God saw fit for me to interact with this person and that I can get back to being focused again and stay in the shadows. I know that it seems weird that in a parking lot a stranger can walk up to you. I think that its awesome but also I’m scared about where I’m starting to go. I love that I’m changing yet I’m afraid of being successful which is crazy because I do have some successes in my life, but I still have fears about becoming whole in him and I just pray that things will change and I can be confident in him at some point in my life.

Tastes Like Chicken

Yesterday, I returned my Mom’s glass pan and instead of being subjected to being called one of many variations of Jezebel or Harlot, I had a great time chatting with her and I laughed so hard I had cramps in my stomach from her best Friend’s theory on Asian Food. Her friend swears that this Asian man told her not to eat any more food because they use questionable sources of meat. Then my mom says with a very serious look on her face “You know why they don’t have many funerals in Asia?”

I couldn’t answer that one, so she says “It’s because they cook the dead folks and they know how to season the meat so it tastes like chicken, beef, or pork.” At this point I’m laughing my butt off as she adds” and they use dog, cat and rat meat too, those spices are something else. I’m not going to eat anymore Asian food for an entire year. ” While I’m thinking about the Korean BBQ that is lining my stomach that I ate as leftovers for pre-dinner; she tells me about the lack of stray cats in Chinatown because they get snatched up in pillowcases by eager restaurateurs while fearing for their life. With each word this story is becoming far more hilarious and my side hurts because her friend is extra paranoid. I’m still planning on going to Panda Express this weekend and will make sure I pray extra hard when I bless my food. Speaking of food, Coke Zero doesn’t taste like real coke so my new fix will be Diet Dr. Pepper and Crystal Light.

So my mission for this weekend will consist of:

Getting my books and magazines weeded out.
Try to find someone to cut the metal rods of my file cabinet down to 14 inches so I can set up an active file system over the course of next week.
Rip some DVDS
Give my mini-sermon on Friday Night at 7:00
Work on setting up my organization system so once I pay my business fees I can get things rolling.
Finish organizing my closet.
Figure out what I’m bringing to eat for our between 11 AM and 3 PM Church services.
Have 2-3 workout sessions.
Open my package of books and finally finish my reading and Individual projects.
Print out my calendar for May and June 09.
Finally, I will have some Prayed over Panda Express with veggies and I will enjoy it.

Its Been A Long Time

As a part of my new thing, I promise to blog more often and stop holding things in. Today I had my bloodwork done finally after two separate fasting sessions, the first time I tried to go in the morning but there were 30 people in the waiting room, so I ate breakfast and waited till work was over and managed to get in and out in 30 minutes. After that one I went to IHOP and thanks to it being virtually empty, I had a crepe and some eggs. Tomorrow I'm going to start finding diet and food info so I can eat properly, and take up exercise so I can reduce my stress levels. I was checking my grade from my Web Design III class and I aced my last two projects, I was worried because my lightbox script and my menu script had conflicts and I had to switch it out at the last minute. I think it came out pretty cool for me to go from being scared of website building to aceing all three of my webdesign classes is quite a feat for me. Now I'm starting to understand the code and think that I'm going to attempt a more complicated design.

I posted my pictures from the pride parade at http://www.ginacalhoun.com/2009prideparade/ I know I get a lot of flack from people about participating and my sexuality is always questioned about it. However, I'm confident in my orientation to know that I'm not scared to be around gay folks, because they are human, they just love differently, and some gay people have much more loving relationships than some straight folks. But that's just my opinion on it. I loved the vibrancy of this event and the eye candy, which is really top notch! My coworkers are fun, and I liked the shirts we wore this year.

Tomorrow I have to get cracking with outlook and organize my calendar for the new session and sync it with my Blackberry, I love having that aspect added to my life. I bought new notebooks and will organize my folder so I can have my materials in order again. I can't believe I have only 8 more classes to go and I'll be getting my degree, I'm proud that I hung in there although it wasn't easy at times because I had trouble balancing everything, but now that I have my color coded calendar and notebook and I map out my schedule now on a 24 hour basis, I am finding it easier to manage things and I'm starting to not put things off which is always a good thing.

First White Valedictorian of Morehouse…

On a rainy day in Atlanta, Georgia the 2008 graduation class of Morehouse College makes it way to the 124th Commencement Convocation from the Martin Luther King Jr. Chapel. Following the same ritual of their first day of college, they are lead by traditional African drummers down a corridor lined with facility and Alumni members who wear white hats with maroon bands embellished with Morehouse College Alumni to signify their status. As the graduates make their way to their seats, the announcer speaks of their accomplishments with the tone of a proud mother. One interesting fact she mentions is that in 1987, when these men were born, gas was $.89 cents a gallon; quite a difference from the near $4.00 prices of today.

While she continues with her tribute the five hundred and twenty men make their way to the top of the hill. They pause to reflect on what it means to be following in the footsteps of the great men of past. The drums grow silent as the announcer speaks of the struggles and sacrifice that their parents have endured to give their sons the opportunity for a college education. Once she finishes, the audience begins to cheer as the men march into the area and take their seats for the ceremony. This ceremony will mark the final time that they will be called men of Morehouse. Once they have walked across the stage and have matriculated they will worthy of being addressed as a Morehouse Man. This new title is not one to be taken lightly; being labeled as such means that one has some big shoes to fill as you strive to live up to the accomplishments of distinguished alumni such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. On this day another milestone is being set as Joshua Packwood, redefines the profile of a Morehouse Man as its first white valedictorian; just as the Brown Bomber changed history by being the first Black man to be the heavyweight champion.

According to the United Negro College Fund, for most of America’s history, African Americans who received a college education could only get it from an HBCU (Historically Black College or University). In 1965, in Title III of the Higher Education Act of 1965, Congress officially defined an HBCU as, among other things, an institution whose principal missions were, and are the education of Black Americans, was accredited, and was established before 1964. The first HBCU, Cheney University in Pennsylvania was founded in 1837. Today, there are 105 Historically Black Colleges and Universities (2008). These institutions have provided the means for Black Americans to get a degree when there were no opportunities to attend other schools. Of these 105 schools, Morehouse is ranked as one of the best and is the only HCBU with an all male student body.

Morehouse College strives to create balanced men who are intelligent high achievers with a socially and racially conscious mind set; in his February 15, 2008 inaugural address, President Robert M. Franklin Jr. mentions that Josh Packwood is Morehouse. He continues to describe Joshua as a graduating senior on his way to Goldman Sachs on Wall Street who happens to be Euro-American and brings much appreciated diversity to our campus. Josh was one of two Morehouse finalists this year for the Rhodes scholarship. But, just three days before his interview, Josh’s father died. He had every reason to lose focus and abandon hope, but true forever to Morehouse tradition; he doubled his determination and represented us with great distinction. Morehouse has enabled Josh to learn through research tours to the London School of Economics and to China while bonding with fellow students who will be lifelong friends.

Packwood chose to attend Morehouse where he would be labeled as a minority over colleges such as Yale, Harvard and Columbia. He states in a Newsweek article, "I've been forced to see the world in a different perspective, that I don't think I could've gotten anywhere else. None of the Ivies, no matter how large their enrollment is, no matter how many Nobel laureates they have on their faculty ... none of them could've provided me with the perspective I have now." (2008) Packwood’s achievement has stirred up controversy and has inspired many to address racial issues; for example, many people thought that Whites were not permitted to attend Morehouse.

Packwood, [was able to make his selection] knowing that he had been picked on his merits, and not as a token white recruit, [that knowledge] made the difference. "That said I could come here and, ironically, be accepted for who I am. I thought I made the right decision then, and I know I made the right decision now. Being surrounded by black men for his undergraduate career has taught him more about diversity. I've been here for four years and yet, I cannot give you the definition of black. I cannot tell you what a black man is. I really learned to look much deeper. It takes a lot of effort to know people."

From my experience with prejudice and racism, this essay made me really think about how far we’ve come with race relations and opened up some painful wounds. Reading Champion of the World and finding the words to write about it has been difficult for me. I enjoyed the story, and I felt as if I was sitting at the table listening to the stories of my Aunts, Uncles and other family members and reliving their past experiences of growing up in the South. Maya Angelou writes “It wouldn’t do for a Black man and his family to be caught on a lonely country road on a night when Joe Louis had proved that we were the strongest people in the world.” (90) Strangely, in 2008 , there are still some parts of the South where a Black person still wouldn’t want to be caught in this position and I still cringe at the times I’ve been called the N-word in this day and age.

The South has had a colorful history of negative treatment of Blacks that began with slavery and continued with Jim Crow laws, Grandfather clauses to prevent blacks from voting, lynching, and other acts of bias and segregation. By comparing this historical context with racially tense events of today, I knew that the battle to fully gain civil rights is still ongoing. While working on this essay I discovered that my Aunt graduated in 1967 from high school in Arkansas and had never been in an integrated classroom during the entire time of her schooling. I found it shocking. This assignment challenged me to think about racial stereotypes and realize that a lot of it comes from being ignorant and unwilling to challenge that ignorance. Racial tolerance and civil rights are tough topics to discuss and pose difficulty in getting an accurate analysis. I get upset at times when I have to think about what it means to forge an identity as a black woman and how I have to live with biases because of my skin color and its defining assumptions about my character that sometimes aren't true. I find myself having to censor my opinions because I don't want to fit a stereotype and have to hold my tongue when dealing with racist people.

Despite these assumptions, I have found examples where Blacks have managed to succeed despite the challenges of racism. There are numerous tales of Black professionals who have enjoyed generations of success and by discovering their stories I am able to have positive role models as my inspiration. Although there is progress, much work remains because there are many places where racial attitudes have yet to change. I encounter this frequently on the Internet with racist messages and when dealing with the negative images portrayed of Blacks within the media and entertainment fields.

While growing up I am fortunate to have gained an appreciation of Black History by learning about the many contributions and achievements of African-Americans; this appreciation has allowed me to understand the meaning of “Champion of The World” and identify with the pride felt by the people in the store as they witness history in the making. In an odd sense Joshua has embodied the Dream of Dr. King and his alma matter Morehouse, by learning to transcend color and enhance the campus with his presence and perspective by taking the risk to attend and share his experience. I felt a feeling of pride while listening to Packwood give his valedictorian speech and I hope that his experience will inspire increased positive change with racial relations between Blacks and Whites.

Works Cited

Franklin, Robert. “Inaugural Address. Let Us Make Man ... Morehouse Man.” Morehouse College. 15 Feb. 2008. 25 May 2008 <http://www.morehouse.edu/inauguration/cer_address.html>.

Haines, Erin. “2008 valedictorian is different kind of 'Morehouse Man'” Newsweek. 11 May 2008. 25 May 2008 <http://www.newsweek.com/id/136530/>.

Angelou, Maya. “Champion of the World” The Bedford Reader. Ed. Kennedy, X. J., Dorothy M. Kennedy, and Jane E. Aaron. 9th ed. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin's, 2006.

United Negro College Fund. “Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) ~ An Historical Overview” United Negro College Fund Website. 25 May 2008

Wedding Crashers

This past weekend has been hectic, I thought I’d be able to just enjoy the time off between classes, but that just didn’t happen. On Friday I cooked for Easter, Saturday consisted of my Cousin’s wedding, and on Sunday I went to church. The service was very moving and filled with the spirit of the Lord, and I really enjoyed myself. The highlight, had to be the moment my Mom shut down the Wedding Reception.

It all started on Friday, when we attended the final rehearsal. There were 32 people in the wedding party, and for the first time everyone managed to show up, they went over the wedding march 8-9 times, and I was shocked that they could get everyone in by the time the song finished. Towards the end of the rehearsal, the Bride’s sister gave my Mom back a check for $27.00 to cover the cost of my little sister’s shoes. Mom had expressed concern over the girls inability to cash a check, and offered to give her cash later on since she didn’t carry cash.

The next day, at the reception the girl asks me to ask my Mom about the money. I go over to her table and tell her, and she was getting upset because she felt that the girl was scamming her. And to find out, she had a felony record that prevented her from going inside of a bank, and the Bride’s Dad had paid for the shoes, tuxedos, and dresses for the entire bridal party and the food and the DJ.

So, she asks my little sister to tell my Mom about giving her the money again. This time my Mom confronts the girl to her face and everyone is taking notice. My relatives are trying to calm her down, and my Mom pushes people off her, and the bride has to drag my Mom outside; they discover that the Bride isn’t aware of her sister hustling folks out of money. I know she got $80.00 from my cousins, and only God will know how much she made off with from her scheme. After that incident everyone headed home and we are still cracking jokes with my Mom.