Loss

Today the topic of loss is on my mind, recently I had suffered from a miscarriage and even though it was only almost 6-7 week in, I had seen a bit glimpse of it from an ultrasound and heard a tiny, faint heartbeat when I went to the doctor. I was starting to bond with the baby growing inside of me and had picked out names and was wondering whose features it would get and when the loss occurred, it hit me pretty hard . This event, made me recall the first significant loss of a loved one in my life at the age of 10. My mother had just come home from being sick and I made her a bologna sandwich with chips and a soda. After she finished eating, we crawled into bed and fell asleep with her arms wrapped around me. In the morning, I woke up to kiss her good morning and she was gone, no breath, no movement. Nothing at all to indicate that there was life within and for a long period of time, I thought that I was to blame for her death. The situation of loss can be a tough one to bear. In that moment, I felt sadness for the loss of not being able to see my child grow up. Right now its hard to understand what good does God have for me in all of this. Romans 8:28 says that he had the power to make all things work together for the good to those who love him. And even though there is a loss in my life, I still love God and still trust in his will and pray that he’ll give me the strength to bear through this.

Struggling

Right now I'm brokenhearted and disappointed.

Back On Track

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-- Albert Einstein

Recent events in my life have made me realize that my biggest hindrance to growing and making progress is myself. Einstein’s quote perfectly describes the state of chaos that has become the bane of my existence because I’ve been stuck in a rut of doing the same thing over and over, while expecting my situation to change. I’m thankful that I can realize that I’ve become nothing more than a human hamster stuck in a perpetual wheel of my own creation. I set goals to achieve more, and be more but I keep applying the same outdated methods that really are not relative to the results I desire. I know that I can’t be alone in where I am and I do desire to get out of this. And although the process of change isn’t easy, it is possible if one is determined to realize that you are just funding insanity with your actions.

My first step that I need to take is to assess where I am right now and this moment and accept where I am in a true and honest way. I know I didn’t fall in to chaos overnight, and I can’t get out in one day but I can make progress if I take it one step at a time; also I need to get back on the GTD bandwagon, because it really works for me if I’d let it. Secondly, I need to take some time out and get reorganized because I’ve been busy but my busyness has been more of quantity and not that of quality. For example, I have a bunch of projects that are just in states of limbo and these projects could have been completed but due to my state of exhaustion from dealing with the wrong (issues and people) I have sabotaged my chances for success. Often we spend time trying to help and please people that are nothing more than energy vampires that suck our time, love and resources to the fullest and leave us broken; right now off the top of my hand I have 3 people in my life that are in that category but I have yet to get bold and cut them out like they need to be. Then on the other hand I have some great people in my life that I end up not being able to appreciate or spend time with because that small minority is just running me ragged. It is time for this to just stop period because they don’t add any value to my life, they just take it away.

Yesterday my Dad spoke on the subject of what would your friends do for you from Mark 2:1-4, and I realized that he had an excellent point about we are whom we surround ourselves with. I realize that amongst all of the people I know, there are some true gems in my life. Often I let myself get so caught up in I need to do this and that and this by myself that I wear myself down and put up walls to shut out the people that genuinely care about me. Being in isolation can be a very dangerous place, when you get too isolated you can risk developing depression, or you can end up thinking that you don’t need anyone else to help you. I admit that it’s not a pretty place because you really lose your perspective on yourself and your perception of the relationships in your life can become twisted, not to mention the fact that you can be paranoid/anxious/sad. We need more people in our lives that can contribute to our betterment; we deserve to have friendships with ourselves that help us to be authentic and our best selves rather and inspire us to grow.

Gina & The Very, Very Bad Day!

Today is not a good day for me. I am with sore throat and fever while still waiting to get my money back in my bank account after someone hacked my PayPal account and I just found out that my teacher gave me 0/200 points because he said my file wasn’t valid and I’ve downloaded the file several times prior to turning in my project and its still sitting there in my server after I pasted the link that he claims isn’t working. Therefore I am not a happy camper and need some serious hugs because this is not a fabulous day for me.

I wish that my employer would have not spent millions on raggedy, inefficient sorting equipment that goes slower than what it takes for actual humans to do the job and instead would have invested that money in something like an automated computer reservation system that would make all of these annoying phone calls disappear. The 20% of people that make reservations give me 80% of my daily drama, because they do dumb things like say some foolish mess full of swear words or they sound as if they are mentally slow, drunk, stupid or high as a kite.

I keep hearing that the Lord only gives you what you can bear, but this I’m starting to grow weary of talking to the same person over and over and I’m in this rut and feel as if I’m going to snap and be on the 11 pm news. Sometimes I wonder if hell is just actually located here on Earth and the daily annoyances is just the way it functions. I think I’m just burned out; my days are so similar that I really can’t tell one day from another day anymore. Monday is just like Tuesday which was just like Wednesday/Thursday and the only day that actually might have some unique flavor is Friday. I think about taking a risk and just trying to add some excitement but so far it’s not working. I just read an article at http://www.rockyourday.com/standards/ about standards and I guess I need to try to raise them or else I’m going to keep being in this hell-hole of a life.

Unbalanced

This week is shaping up to be a troubled one. I’ve been trying to get myself organized and its taking much longer than I expected but I’m going to stay optimistic. I am starting to peel on my left hand shoulder because of my diabetes medicine; I’m not sure how I’m going to manage going to the zoo or any of the hanging out by the pool with my daughter this summer. We used to just go out there for hours at a time but I’m going to have to limit my exposure to the sun and invest in some sunscreen. I’m a bit tired because I’ve been getting wee amounts of sleep and last night I just crashed on my dining room floor and slept for a bit.

I think that I’m just off balance. I will not listen to Mr. Bobblehead’s recommendations that I don’t need to take my meds, the fact that I was acting all kinds of wonky proves that I should listen to myself and not give a darn what others say. So now I’m starting to feel much more level headed and I made significant process in getting myself back on track. However, I may have to check in at the hospital the week after next because my blood sugar isn’t really going down faster enough, I think I need to get a monitor so I can start figuring out my diet and I’ve been getting more exercise. But it isn’t enough. I’m hoping I can get things under control, I fear that I’ll end up like some of my relatives who didn’t take care of themselves. I’m trying to be optimistic and change my mindset to see the things that are occurring as a blessing and not as a curse. I think that in time I can make it, I just have to keep fighting to regain my sense of balance.

I admit I did mess up, I was doing so well with being single and accepting that if in this lifetime if I never got married I could be happy being as I am. Then along came this guy who I never would have expected that I could have had an amazing connection, and I was shocked because he was the last person on earth I would have tried to holla at. So time goes on and I’m really digging him, and then he pulls back. So I’m stunned and instead of letting go, I try harder. It backfires and I discover that he had a girlfriend, which hurts even more because he plays mind games and tries to blame things all on me. But, if you are the one with a girlfriend, and you give me the impression that you are single, aren’t you misrepresenting yourself? And if you are then I catch you lying and get mad because we could have had a wonderful platonic friendship and much of the drama that went down could have been prevented because I wouldn’t have tried to think like that knowing that you are someone’s man. So now I really dislike him and I wonder if this friendship can be repaired because I feel betrayed and I would love to kick him in the nuts or call up my crazy cousins that owe me favors.

But, if I did that then I’d be yielding to the flesh, and that is what got me in trouble in the first place. I’m coping with losing him and I ran into a lady that was a Prophetess in the Wal-Mart parking lot. She came up to me and said that I was bound by the spirit of lust and that she could pray for me. Now, I’m picky about who I let pray over me because I know that some folks aren’t right and you can get their demonic influences if they lay hands on you and she said some things that really convinced me. So I let her pray for me, and strangely some of the feelings and things that I had been struggling with dropped off me like dead weight. I’m thankful that God saw fit for me to interact with this person and that I can get back to being focused again and stay in the shadows. I know that it seems weird that in a parking lot a stranger can walk up to you. I think that its awesome but also I’m scared about where I’m starting to go. I love that I’m changing yet I’m afraid of being successful which is crazy because I do have some successes in my life, but I still have fears about becoming whole in him and I just pray that things will change and I can be confident in him at some point in my life.

Tastes Like Chicken

Yesterday, I returned my Mom’s glass pan and instead of being subjected to being called one of many variations of Jezebel or Harlot, I had a great time chatting with her and I laughed so hard I had cramps in my stomach from her best Friend’s theory on Asian Food. Her friend swears that this Asian man told her not to eat any more food because they use questionable sources of meat. Then my mom says with a very serious look on her face “You know why they don’t have many funerals in Asia?”

I couldn’t answer that one, so she says “It’s because they cook the dead folks and they know how to season the meat so it tastes like chicken, beef, or pork.” At this point I’m laughing my butt off as she adds” and they use dog, cat and rat meat too, those spices are something else. I’m not going to eat anymore Asian food for an entire year. ” While I’m thinking about the Korean BBQ that is lining my stomach that I ate as leftovers for pre-dinner; she tells me about the lack of stray cats in Chinatown because they get snatched up in pillowcases by eager restaurateurs while fearing for their life. With each word this story is becoming far more hilarious and my side hurts because her friend is extra paranoid. I’m still planning on going to Panda Express this weekend and will make sure I pray extra hard when I bless my food. Speaking of food, Coke Zero doesn’t taste like real coke so my new fix will be Diet Dr. Pepper and Crystal Light.

So my mission for this weekend will consist of:

Getting my books and magazines weeded out.
Try to find someone to cut the metal rods of my file cabinet down to 14 inches so I can set up an active file system over the course of next week.
Rip some DVDS
Give my mini-sermon on Friday Night at 7:00
Work on setting up my organization system so once I pay my business fees I can get things rolling.
Finish organizing my closet.
Figure out what I’m bringing to eat for our between 11 AM and 3 PM Church services.
Have 2-3 workout sessions.
Open my package of books and finally finish my reading and Individual projects.
Print out my calendar for May and June 09.
Finally, I will have some Prayed over Panda Express with veggies and I will enjoy it.

Its Been A Long Time

As a part of my new thing, I promise to blog more often and stop holding things in. Today I had my bloodwork done finally after two separate fasting sessions, the first time I tried to go in the morning but there were 30 people in the waiting room, so I ate breakfast and waited till work was over and managed to get in and out in 30 minutes. After that one I went to IHOP and thanks to it being virtually empty, I had a crepe and some eggs. Tomorrow I'm going to start finding diet and food info so I can eat properly, and take up exercise so I can reduce my stress levels. I was checking my grade from my Web Design III class and I aced my last two projects, I was worried because my lightbox script and my menu script had conflicts and I had to switch it out at the last minute. I think it came out pretty cool for me to go from being scared of website building to aceing all three of my webdesign classes is quite a feat for me. Now I'm starting to understand the code and think that I'm going to attempt a more complicated design.

I posted my pictures from the pride parade at http://www.ginacalhoun.com/2009prideparade/ I know I get a lot of flack from people about participating and my sexuality is always questioned about it. However, I'm confident in my orientation to know that I'm not scared to be around gay folks, because they are human, they just love differently, and some gay people have much more loving relationships than some straight folks. But that's just my opinion on it. I loved the vibrancy of this event and the eye candy, which is really top notch! My coworkers are fun, and I liked the shirts we wore this year.

Tomorrow I have to get cracking with outlook and organize my calendar for the new session and sync it with my Blackberry, I love having that aspect added to my life. I bought new notebooks and will organize my folder so I can have my materials in order again. I can't believe I have only 8 more classes to go and I'll be getting my degree, I'm proud that I hung in there although it wasn't easy at times because I had trouble balancing everything, but now that I have my color coded calendar and notebook and I map out my schedule now on a 24 hour basis, I am finding it easier to manage things and I'm starting to not put things off which is always a good thing.